"Write your own damn narrative."
Notes on self-expression and self-advocacy as an INFJ
I was reading a book about personal branding for the Bibliotherapy club by Jessica Zweig called Be: A No-Bullsh*t Guide to Increasing Your Self Worth and Net Worth by Simply Being Yourself, when I came across this passage:
Your personal brand is what other people say about you when you’re not around.
But if you are passive, it will become what others say, instead. You hold the pen, so write your own damn narrative.
This immediately put me in mind of INFJs.
See if this sounds familiar.
The phone rings. You answer.
You: Hey, [so and so].
Caller: Hey, what are you doing?
You: [Whatever you're doing]
No response. One beat. Crickets.
You: What are YOU doing?
Thirty-minute monologue.
This is normal for INFJs, being unpaid and uninterested photography assistants1 whose job it is to light the set (and subject) at all times—that, and being the (still unpaid and uninterested) therapists to nearly everyone in their lives.
And while, yes, we do tend to attract a lot of self-centered and even narcissistic energy vampires, this dynamic is also at least partly (if not entirely2) our fault.
Because here's another part of the conversation:
After the initial (and possibly even second or third) monologue.
Caller: So, what's new your way?
In my experience, this part can go two ways.
OPTION 1
You: Oh, not much, just [boring answer that won't incite a response].
Caller: Well, that's good. [More about me.]
OPTION 2
You: Actually, [whatever cool-thing-to-you that's going on in your life].
You share your story about that thing and then ...
Caller: Well, I've gotta run. We'll catch up again soon. You've gotta tell me about [thing you just mentioned]. Bye for now!"
Caller never asks you about it again.
But, here could be an add-on to this conversation, or an altogether separate one:
You: You know, every time you ask how things are my way, you don't show much interest. From my perspective, this relationship has gotten to be very one-sided, and I would love it if we could spend more time talking about things that are important to me."
Now, because some of these people may actually be too far along the narcissistic spectrum to share the light with you, this request may mark the beginning of the end of some of your relationships, especially if you try to hold them to it.
But … one of the biggest longings of INFJs is to be seen, heard, and understood, and how in the world will we ever be able to do that without:
Staking our claim to some real estate in our own damn lives?
Deciding what we want the world to know and appreciate about us? and
Proactively sharing ourselves, our lives, and our interests with people who actually care?3
(And this entire thing requires we get over our preference for not being in the limelight—or center stage—at least some of the time.4)
Because, here’s the thing, you've spent enough time allowing people to believe the only thing valuable about you is the fact that you're "always there for them," you "always answer," "always listen," etc.
You have a life of your own, you have interests, you have other things that are great about you and worth sharing, maybe not with these particular people, but if you're willing to "write your own damn narrative," and then share it until you find someone who wants to share in it with you, then you might start shining your own damn light, too, rather than just reflecting others' back to them (at least entirely).
Okay, that’s my rant for the day. Carry on. 😁
xo,
A.
It's actually a little depressing to think that's become my real-life job in the business my husband and I run together. I have to reevaluate my life.
Depending on how much responsibility and ownership you want.
And not everyone will, and you'll have to be okay with either cutting your losses and/or prioritizing relationships with people who hold space for you, even if that's only yourself for a while.
Which I heard from someone recently (Nathan of Love Who maybe?) that INFJs are perfectly capable of doing when it's for something they value.